on the day i turned 30 my cousin called me early in the morning to inform me that today would be a monumental moment and that it could have a significant effect on my psyche.

i told him that i was going to treat it like any other day.
i have known for a while now that i am easily influenced though i imagine this confession has developed more as an excuse.

my birthday was progressing fairly well- and then he called again...in his desire to show a kind interest in my future plans to teach he asked about "my list"- cities i would consider moving to after i receive a teaching certificate.
el paso is included though its so far away from my family making it a lower ranking prospect -"ls there a boy in san angelo? move!'' , my cousin responded.

for many reasons that are all too ridiculous to write- this question really irritated me. "yeah of course, there is no boy...there never is...yeah that makes life choices so easy...thanks...." I thought all of this and only said half of it but it led to an argument about how many times he has insinuated that i might be gay. I thought about it last night and i remember the two conversations in which he aired his opinion on my sexuality- one time he was kidding, another time he was not.

And to be fair to him the one time he was not joking was the time that he wanted to let me know that he would love me regardless of my preference. I conceed that point. The fact is I am too attracted to men- I desire to be desired by a he - but I am not, and I can't do anything about that.

I asked for the topic to be dropped and he wouldn't do so. while he continued to talk and even after we ended the call- this one thought permeated my mind- "there are other reasons i have never had a boyfriend and i don't want to think about those reasons on my 30th birthday"

The list of my undesireable attributes are rarely something i like to meditate upon or even voice. oh- actually i hate to voice it- mainly because everyone else tries so hard to pump up my self esteem. my self esteem is hearty and thriving- unfortunately.
But I do look in the mirror when i brush my teeth.

My cousin is a kind-hearted man and though i would like to blame him for giving me a big slice of drama with a thrid phone call, I knew even as I heard his voice try to explain and understand my earlier irritation that he loved me and was trying to...make me feel better. Instead I started to cry- I hoped that he would continue to talk so that I could have to compose myself but that didn't happen.

I'm not sure what he thought when he heard my voice breaking and I couldn't mend it inorder to explain myself- so i told him that I wouldn't be able to talk to him that day.

on that day i was going to treat like any other day. i only cried for about 5 minutes and then felt much better as my tear stained pillow became an altar.

there were of course less dramatic moments of the day- a lunch with friends and my sister, a nice gift from my parents (necklace and cake), other phone calls from friends

who knew 30 would be so dramatic? oh yeah, everybody told me it would be and I bought it.